So I’m finally going to a counselor for my depression tomorrow.
I’ve been stubborn about it for nearly a year now… Really I just didn’t like the idea of talking to some stranger about my personal life and issues.
But after finally talking to a friend about my suicidal thoughts, I realized that it’s become this huge issue in my life, and I need to take care of it.
Depression can start for all sorts of reasons. For myself, it began with a bad breakup, and sort of cemented itself with a giant negative change in my group of friends. I think being unhappy for that long messed with my brain chemistry.
Anyway, after way too long thinking I could just beat this on my own (unsuccessfully) and battling thoughts of suicide, I confided in a friend who told me, “This is you now. You have to take care of you.” (Thanks. You know who you are.)
But it’s true. I’m tired of feeling like crap all the time. I’m tired of being emotionally apathetic and disconnected from all the things I cared about. And even though I don’t like myself or my life all that much, deep down, I know I have things to live for and things I want to accomplish. I’m not going to commit suicide… I can’t put my family and friends through that kind of pain. I can’t make them question themselves, trying to figure out what they could’ve done differently to make me stay. It’s not the answer… It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So even though it’s hard, I have to get help.
Not all of my friends have been supportive, and it’s hard to lose friends who don’t understand. I’m not being the best friend I can be to them either, though, as long as depression has a hold on me.
So even though talking about it sucks and isn’t easy… It’s something I have to do in order to get my life back.
If you are struggling with depression, I encourage you to find someone you trust who you can talk to about it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a professional, maybe just a close friend. Exercising helps get your endorphins up. Eating healthy helps you feel better as well. I’ve started a game on Steam that helps distract me from the negative thoughts… These things aren’t a cure, but they might help.